Sometimes I feel like I may not be good enough. Good enough to love again. A good enough mom to my child. A good enough sister, daughter or friend. But there are some things that are validating. Seeing my child smile and run to me when I walk in the door. Seeing my family laugh or smile when they see me. Hearing my friends laugh and tell me how they really feel without holding back. I guess what it all comes down to is me and my mental possibly. I know that I am a decent human being and I am not perfect. But I also know I am flawed, and I am not the most beautiful girl in the world. I know the pretty girls usually have halitosis and an attitude because their head is so gassed up from men. Some of them act like they’re better than most girls too. Most of them are hoes. But anyways sometimes I feel I may not be doing anything right. For instance, I’m potty training my toddler. I know that she is still small and learning. But I am always so hard on myself about everything. Same with relationships. I’ve been single for so long I’m not sure if I’m ready to ever be in a committed relationship. I am open to meeting people and hanging out. Getting to know people. Catching vibes. I’m just scared to end up found somewhere in a suitcase floating down the river. Let’s be real, things aren’t the same as they used to be in the 90’s when it was safe for the kids to walk to the nearest Walmart. These white people have gone batshit crazy shooting people. I’ve heard so many stories about domestic violence and amber alerts. I’m scared for my child. So, I am convinced I will be alone for the rest of my life playing video games with my child. I’m fine with that. But it would be nice to have someone to share things with. In a sense I feel like nobody can handle me. I’ve been told I am unapproachable and I’m a bitch. That’s fine. I’m just direct and I have RBF (resting bitch face). I’m blunt. I feel I have had people in my life that have made me feel like I wasn’t enough. But I know now I am enough. I am enough to love and be loved. I am enough to raise my child the way I see fit. There is always someone that has something to say whether you’re doing good or bad. So, FUCK EM and move on and live your best life. I used to let what people said get to me. Then realized they don’t pay any of my bills so why should their opinion matter to me. Most people that have negative things to say usually don’t know the whole story. Nor do they care to ask. I am in a place where I am happy with myself. I’ve found self-love and knowing my worth is…EVERYTHING. My child is the best thing that I thought I didn’t need. That genuine love and affection. The free spirit, resilient ways. Just watching her grow makes life, good. Now I know, I am good enough.
(Toni Braxton – “He Wasn’t Man Enough”.)
(Adele – “Chasing Pavements”.)